I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
