It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
