just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
