I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
