Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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