At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
