Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
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