I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
