I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high