Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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