so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
