Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
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