he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
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He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
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You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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