you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
