I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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