she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
