Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I just found a bag of teeth...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
