Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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