i think my tv is drunk
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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