she woke up with a sticky ear
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
