im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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