youre lurking in front of me
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
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Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
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You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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