new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
