Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Sober January is a disaster.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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