1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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