life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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