I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
