Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
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