The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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