This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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