Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!