My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
