Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
