if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
