What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
