I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
They took my balls.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Randomize
