Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
