Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
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Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
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We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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