i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
