If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize