I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Mom said you looked used
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Randomize
