I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
