This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Oh god it's open bar.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
