Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
