conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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