I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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