i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
