She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
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I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
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Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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