Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Randomize
