I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
you made out with another girl for some wings
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
