I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
