I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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