Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
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Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
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Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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