I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
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He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
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She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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